This is a poem I have been chewing on for a while now. A long while. It’s a different side of my writing that I typically keep to myself in my journal, but this one keeps coming back to me. It is a comfort when I wonder if I made a mistake in leaving or when I need release from the hurt that lingers.
While God has given me freedom from the toxic relationship that fed this poem, I pray it might give others hope. Malice disguised as love is a cruel cage, one we often allow ourselves to stay locked in. You can free yourself from the cage, from that relationship that seeks to crush you. Finding freedom starts with simply choosing to stepping outside of the lies and see the truth: this is not what love looks like.
You’re too kind to attack
So I’m not allowed to fight back
Lest you be proven right
That I was the villain all along
Somehow my feelings matter less
And my perspective doesn’t exist
If I want this to last
If I want to stick around
It’s exclusively on your terms
With only your hurts
And I’ll take every fall
All the assumptions and unmet expectations
You’ll be the victim again while I lie here beaten
So don’t cry
Don’t cry, you say
There is no blame to share
Only my apologies if I want to hold on
To this thing we’ve built
And what is it, really?
What does it matter if the way we survive
Is with abuse and pain?
What is there to save?
Except the slave
I finished my re-write of POLARITY (previously under the working title Colors to Stars) last week and I am very thankful to see how I have grown since writing those final words. At the end of the first draft, I was very emotionally raw. I knew what I needed to say to my main character, to myself, but I wasn’t ready to accept it:
“I think if I let it go, it’s like giving her a free pass for everything.”
Jason nodded. “Maybe it is. But maybe it gives you some kind of freedom too.”
And that was the end. Maybe. Certainly not revenge, but only maybe forgiveness. When I finished that first draft, I knew what lesson I had to learn – to let go of revenge and justice as paths to find true freedom from the past. The theory had been tested in my story, and I could see the results.
After a month of space, I dove into re-writing, and while so much of the story still rings true, when I arrived that that final word, “Maybe”, it felt insufficient. But I’m still stuck on the same thing as my MC at the end.
So I wanted to make a little post updating you on what has been going on lately!
We’ll start with “Colors to Stars”, which has always been the working title, and now I have found the actual title: POLARITY. I have a list of literary agents I think would be interested in this project, and I am planning on taking the long road of traditional with this novel.
I have three parts up over at the TheFaithfulTroubadour.com blog about writing a musical, but I planning to write something a little bit more in-depth on this side about my experience in writing POLARITY, and the growth I’ve seen in myself when I finished the first full edit last week.
THE BLESSED is still in the back of my brain, and I might revisit the land of Eviryia after I finish “PARADOX” [the working title of my next novel], which I will be starting in February and hopefully finish during NaNo Camp in April. So, it is possible that I’ll dip back into Eviryia to finish up the trilogy during NaNoWriMo this November.
And there you have it! There are several big things coming onto my plate this year with The Faithful Troubadour and some other theatre stuff, but that is another post for another time 😉