Having a hard day today, so here is a little bit inside my head, and my hurt, and how my writing helps:
Life feels very fast right now, like I’m in a bumper car that is moving too quickly and I keep bumping into everything and everyone but there aren’t any breaks. And I’m on an open road, not in a protective arena. And the road is on fire. And everything is on fire.
Okay, maybe it’s not quite that bad, but life has its moments. This year has been so different than I pictured it would be. The good things have been complete surprises and such wonderful blessings. Truly, the good things have been gifts. But the bad things have been some of the worst I have ever endured. They have bought up old hurts and opened closed wounds, and drained me of so much.
Drained of confidence, of value, of tomorrows.
There is something special in not knowing what tomorrow will bring though. A freedom. Sure, the unknowing brings anxieties of their own, and they can be hard to fight at times. Fortunately for me, most of my anxiety comes from the past, so it makes it a little easier to trust God with the future.
Of course, it does seem like every time I say to myself “it can’t be worse than…” something pops up. No, it’s never quite as bad as this past spring was, but it’s the little things that remind me of that darkness I was so lost in. That darkness where I slip away into nothing.
It’s days like this, where those little, painful reminders show up that I know it is the most important to write. I know my heart needs release of things I can’t bear to talk about anymore, and writing allows my heart to speak. I can unravel a little bit of my struggle into the story, and I don’t have to say the names that hurt me, or relive and regret the worst moments, but it helps.
I know I need to write.
Not just sit and scroll through an endless Facebook newsfeed.
I need to push forward somehow.
And in the quiet moment, I pray God will allow those open wounds to finally begin to heal. The bandage has been ripped off, and now it’s time for thread and needle. It’s more painful to relive the struggle – even in an arena as distance and different as story – but it will bring about true healing.
After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, & establish you.
1 Peter 5:10